In sixth grade, I came home on Valentine’s Day with only a handful of cards. This was long before the day where class lists were circulated to ensure everyone brought a card for everyone. Depleted, I felt as if my whole class hated me and I had no friends – I felt offended. Looking back, I think I was affected so dramatically because I was so incredibly shy and insecure. My self-esteem was no different than a typical awkward pre-teen only I figured I was alone in how I felt.
Self-consciousness and inadequacy led me to analyze my interactions with other people. I took so much of what someone would say or do personally as if it were some kind of direct attack. My insecurities led to victimized angst and self-pity over perceived offenses.
Whether it’s self-inflicted or deliberate, we’ve all been offended to some degree or another. A car cuts us off causing a near-fatal accident, a rude store clerk embarrasses you, a friend betrays a trust, or a relative mindlessly insults or criticizes you. On a more serious level, there are those who have been physically or mentally abused by another, and the pain is horrific and unimaginable.
Those feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, and pain can poison our attitude, outlook, and hope. The idea of not taking offense, forgiving, and giving second chances destroy our victim mentality. When we remain the victim we feel entitled to snap at the clumsy waiter, be impatient with the person in front of you, and criticize the anyone trying to help.
Yes, what happened might have been the worst thing you can imagine. But how often do we allow the offense to control how we act and feel? Maybe we are one to let those feelings simmer and stew poisoning us from the inside out. Or are we the type to obsess about the offense over and over like a moth circling a light? However we react, the choice is always ours.
“Life appears too short to be spent nursing animosity or registering wrongs.” —Charlotte Brontë Click To Tweet
I know it’s possible to let go and move on because of examples all around us. For instance, Elizabeth Smart and Chris Williams each chose to react to life-changing events in a way very different from the world. We are led to believe that we should be offended we deserve revenge or justice. But really, whose voice would tell us to continue to poison our emotional, physical, and spiritual self?
I know. Stopping is much easier to say than do. Stick with me on this one because, in part 2 of this series, I’ll share seven ways I’ve come up with to replace your resentment with a healthier and happier way of thinking. It does require some work, but over time as these become habits, your burdens can become lighter.
Be the JOY,
Lori
How do you deal with being offended?
I guess I’ve never thought of feeling hurt as taking offense. I have been hurt, but only a couple of times did I see it as intentional and feel animosity toward the offender. It took me years to forgive that particular person. The offense occurred in fifth grade. He lied about me and used the lie to belittle me, who had never done anything to him, before the whole class at a Christmas party. I was the shy little girl who tried to avoid being the center of attention. He put me in the spotlight by misrepresenting a gift I had given in the class gift exchange and telling everyone in the class how cheap I was. My mom was pregnant, we hadn’t been able to shop, so she had wrapped up 25 pennies — the max gift. The boy had hid 15 of them in his pocket and told everyone there were only ten. It hurt.
The principal was a Christian man. The teacher sent both of us to his office. He uncovered the truth and made him apologize. I accepted the apology but had not forgiven him in my heart. The next year we moved and I was in a new school. Later we moved to bigger schools, middle and high school, and rarely saw each other.
About thirty years later I was having pizza in Westwood with my old college roommate who had come home from across the country to visit her father. As we ate, this man came up to the table and introduced himself as that boy. I’m sure he had completely forgotten the whole thing. He said he’d become a police officer and had been divorced a couple of times. I realized then it was time to let go of the grudge and forgive him from my heart, and I did, though I did not invite him to sit with us. The time with my friend was precious and I did not want to dilute it with the presence of any third person. I had been sure to let him know I was married.
I think God gave us the command to forgive others as he forgave us not only to free us from bitterness and poisoning relationships, but also to give us just a taste of what it costs to forgive so we could begin to comprehend just a bit of what it cost him to forgive us.
Barbara, I think it speaks volumes to the type of person you are to say you’ve not been offended very often in your life!
What a powerful example of how our hurt can help us realize the cost. Often our forgiving and moving on does not include making the offender a best friend. Just letting go of the burden can be a huge relief!
Thank you for sharing your story and the lesson you’ve learned from letting go of a grudge!
I enjoyed your post, but … sometimes it’s difficult to know when to stand up for oneself, and when to let it go. If someone says something to me that is hurtful, don’t I have an obligation to our relationship to let them know they have hurt me with their remarks?
Absolutely! But you can do so in a kind and non-offensive way. And once you’ve told them you don’t have to hold on to the offense. Really great point to make! I’m personally one to hold it all in and let it build until I’m the problem is destroying me on the inside. This is where the real problem lies. Thanks for the great comment!
Thinking about those who have forgiven in the face of great adversity is inspiring. Scripture stories are filled with people who forgive (and who don’t) and the consequences of peace from forgiving.
Great point! I love the different examples from the scriptures. It gives us an example to follow or avoid.
The older I get the better I get at not getting offended and letting things just roll away. Life is too short. I think it’s a learned skill for most people though.
I absolutely agree! Just like any kind of thought process – we have to train our brain to know how to react. Thanks for the comment!
I tend to not get offended, I try to think through my emotions and why I’m having them before I lash out on someone else. This is a really great post, i can’t wait to read part 2!
It’s great that you use think through your emotions. It’s a great habit! See you for part 2!
I’m really looking forward to reading more from this series! I have gotten a lot better about harboring resentment and being offended, but I you’re right that it’s hard to do! What I teach my therapy patients is that MOST of the time, your anger is actually an easier feeling to deal with than whatever your true feeling about a situation is– usually guilt, shame, fear, etc. I think offense works the same way.
Identifying and understanding our feelings and how they contribute to our emotions is the first step. I’m so glad you enjoyed! See you tomorrow for part 2!
Getting offended it not usually a problem for me – except with my husband! I think it’s because I care so much more about what he thinks of me than anyone else, so any little errant remark gets overanylized.
So easy to overanalyze what the ones we love the most might say to us. How do you avoid taking offense from something your husband might offer as constructive criticism?
I tend to be the “moth” and it can be exhausting sometimes. I need to work on that. I enjoyed this post. Thank you.
Does it make you dizzy? 🙂 I think all of the circling leads me to believe something might change if I come at it from a different direction. The reality is, we can only change our way of thinking about the offense. Learning to let go can be so freeing compared to the circling! Thanks for reading!
You are so right! We have a choice and it’s important to remember that. You have to know your worth for other people to know it. It’s hard…but we are all worthy of love and respect
Our worth is a huge factor! When we believe in who we are and understand our worth it is empowering against the offenses waiting to be taken! Great insight!