When I was 17 years old, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (POS). It didn’t take long before we also discovered that I also had a septated uterus, meaning that I have a piece of tissue separating my uterus into two pieces, like a door separating two rooms. My doctor told me I would probably never have biological children and needed to be on birth control for the rest of my life to regulate my hectic cycles.
I told myself I didn’t really want children and I was not destined to be a mother on this earth. I threw myself into that thinking, decided I didn’t want to get married and that I would have an amazing career rather than a family because Heavenly Father didn’t need me as a mother so why would I be a wife?
A Different Plan
On the first day of my senior year in college, I met my sweetheart and he completely changed my life and my thinking. Once we got married, I immediately wanted to be a mother. He was aware of the struggle we might have but we had no idea how long this process would take. We tried everything from holistic medicines, naturopaths, Clomid, Intrauterine inseminations. All of which failed.
When we moved back to my hometown in Washington, we were quickly approached by a woman I previously knew. She asked if we would be interested in adopting her niece’s soon to be born daughter. We were ecstatic! This had been the answer to our many prayers. We felt for sure it was a sign from our Heavenly Father. Immediately we contacted the birth mother and started making plans for this little girl.
We started buying clothes and telling only a select few people. Our happiness and excitement couldn’t be contained! We started the long process fo finding an attorney and looking into the interstate adoption laws. The birth grandmother kept in contact with us, letting us know her granddaughter – the birth mother – was not ready to make a final decision. We waited for 3 months before we found out our birth mother had chosen a different family. She had wanted to be closer to her baby. By choosing a family who would be closer gave her the opportunity to help raise her daughter.
Not the Outcome We had Expected
After our adoption fell through, I was completely devastated and heartbroken. I fell into a deep depression and anger towards my Father in Heaven. How could He dangle the opportunity to have a child in front of me and then rip it away?
I stopped reading my scriptures, despised going to church and just felt so empty and alone. Ironically, my husband and I were called to be temple workers in the Portland, Oregon L.D.S. temple. I knew I was in no place to serve but we agreed. My first day as a temple worker, I was asked to help seal children to families. I got dressed and was waiting for the rest of the group. As I sat there trying to keep it together, I couldn’t help but think about being sealed to my own child.
I fought back tears and was barely holding on when a voice came to me and said: “child, I know.” It was then I realized my Heavenly Father never left me, I had turned my back on Him. I knew Heavenly Father understood my thoughts and feelings perfectly. He knew the pain and anguish my soul was going through and He knew the desires of my heart.
My Heart Changed
I still don’t have a child. I went through surgery a month ago to remove part of my septum and to remove endometriosis that had riddled my body. All with the hopes we will be able to conceive soon. I may never be a mother on this earth but I know with every fiber of my being there is a plan for me. I am never alone, and I know my Father is mindful of me. He hears my pleadings in the night for a child and He has given me opportunities to love and serve others.
I do not have a biological child but I have been blessed with siblings that allow me to love and ‘parent’ their children like they were my own. Being a mother is the one true desire of my heart and I can honestly say that I have had more opportunities than most to love and mother those that are closest to me. Heavenly Father knew the struggle I would endure and He has placed the gift of love and family in my life to help me through my own Garden of Gethsemane. As I think about the pain and anguish I have endured, I am reminded of my Savior and His suffering for me. He knows my pain and despair perfectly. He has suffered for me and He knows EXACTLY what I am feeling. It has helped me know I’m never alone.
Not Your Fairytale Ending
My story does not have a fairytale ending but it’s MY story! I am empowered knowing I am not alone in this struggle. I love the opportunity share my story with anyone who will listen. Letting other women know they are never alone in their journey is so important. There is strength in numbers and our Father in Heaven loves us and is mindful of our desires.