Infertility does not define you. It does not have anything to do with who you are as a person or who you aspire to be.
I am speaking from experience here. I completely understand what you are going through and how you feel. It feels gut-wrenching, and it is heartbreaking. You have probably gone through many sleepless nights and shed many tears at the thought of this very word, Infertility.
You probably wonder why infertility affects you the way that it does. How do you get past this and try to move on with your normal, everyday life? The truth is, it’s a part of you and you have to try to find a way to focus on the good in your life; rather than focusing on what is wrong in your life.
Visiting the Doctor
I remember how I felt the day I sat in the doctor’s office, and after much testing, she told me the news I did not think I would ever hear. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for a year. I was young and had no idea about all of what was truly going on. She discussed my hormone levels and told me if I ever did conceive, it would be very hard to do on my own. Meaning, medical intervention was absolutely necessary if I wanted a baby. I felt like a bomb had been dropped on me. Like all the blood rushed to my face as tears threatened and I tried to hold my composure.
I instantly felt my world begin to buzz. I don’t remember the few sentences she spoke after she told me the news. I hate to cry in front of people, but I wish I had. I that I had let those emotions flow from me like a river. Maybe then, it would have been easier to process. But then again, maybe not.
My doctor told me she had plenty of tricks up her sleeve to help me and my husband have a baby, but I didn’t want her bag of tricks. I just wanted a baby. I didn’t want the crazy hormones, I didn’t want to see the negative test month after month, I didn’t want people asking when I going to have a baby. I just want a baby to hold.
I had a decision to make. Is this going to rule my life or am I going to hold my head up and believe in God for a miracle?
You see, I am not a medicine taker. I have never been. I didn’t feel I wanted to put my body through the hoops of trying different medicines to try to conceive. My husband and I prayed about it, and we both felt conventional medicine was not the route we should take.
Frustration in Waiting
There were times in our LONG wait when I would become frustrated with the process. I would tell my husband I was making an appointment the next day and I would take whatever medicine I needed to get this show on the road. I was tired of being childless. He would gently remind me if I believed it wasn’t for me, then I shouldn’t do it.
Not taking medicine was an absolutely personal decision of mine. I am more of an “all natural” kind of gal. I prefer to use essential oils and natural herbal medicines when I feel I need help with sickness or pain.
I decided to not allow my circumstances affect my ability to live my life and enjoy the people around me. I still rejoiced with my friends when they were having children. Is it a hard pill to swallow? Absolutely. But I refused to become bitter about the situation.
I had to believe I was still me and a beautiful woman. Regardless of what my body was incapable of I still needed to be the woman I needed to be. I was enough. I couldn’t let my thoughts allow me to hide under a rock. I had to stand proud of who I was and what I had accomplished.
Infertility Does Not Define You
Empty, broken, a failure, less than a woman, inadequate; these are words I felt described who I was while dealing with infertility. I had to put those words aside and focus on the positive. Infertility does not define who you are. Instead, I choose to think of beautiful, womanly, feisty, charismatic, outgoing, and perfectly me as the terms to describe myself.
Your mind is a beautiful thing. Even if you are struggling with the thought of infertility and how it is making you feel, you can still choose joy. You can choose to be an over-comer of your circumstances and live your life to the fullest.
Yes, there will be days when you fall apart. And that is just fine. It’s ok to be emotional and experience the raw feelings you have. You will need to process all that is going on at certain times. But do not let it overtake you. This does not have to define the person you are.
I knew one day, I would have my own sweet baby to hold. I had no idea how it would happen, but I knew that it would.
And it did. After 8 long years of trying to have a sweet baby, I felt a kick. It was completely out of the blue and I had no idea I was expecting. Have you ever heard of a baby in hiding? Well, it happens.
I went to the doctor to find out I was 26 weeks along and was having a baby boy! This sweet little guy showed up 11 weeks later (he came 3 weeks early and completely healthy).
God showed up and delivered on His promise and honored my faithfulness. It wasn’t happenstance, it was a miracle. I want to encourage you to keep the faith. But in everything you do, choose to keep joy in your life.
I understand it is a very long, hard road you have been chosen to walk down. I hope you will choose to find the good, and not allow bitterness to steal what is to come. Through whatever decision you choose to follow in reaching the goal of having a child, whether it be medicinal, homeopathic, adoption, however you choose, just believe one day you will hold your sweet child.
Hold your head up and know you are full of strength and beauty and grace and all things lovely.