I can still hear the words of Mrs. Peitz, my third-grade teacher: “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” Back then our answers were supposed to be the same. It was a temptation to compare my answers with my neighbors’ because I wanted them to be right. What I didn’t understand was that my neighbors’ answers weren’t always correct, and so comparing didn’t always guarantee a good score. Since third grade, we’ve grown individually into different people, with answers (or lives) that should be different as well. Yet we continue to check our choices against what our neighbors might be choosing – we continue to compare.
For years I’ve worked with the girl’s youth group at church. The one thing they all have in common is their desire to fit in. Each exhibiting her insecurities in a different way. What they don’t realize is they will never fit in when they are trying to be something they are not. Like a moving target that we continually miss with each aim, fitting in requires us to change with each new gimmick, trend, or fad. And just when we think we’ve got it, the target moves and we are hustling to try to fit in all over again.
Belonging
Belonging is different from fitting in and is really what we yearn for. “Fitting in is about assessing the situation and becoming who you need to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”[1]
Figuring out who we are is not easy in a world that is trying its best to convince us to be anyone but yourself. With manufactured images that are Photoshopped, edited, and overproduced our eyes can deceive our brain in a very dangerous way. No one is immune from falling into what one blogger called “lifestyle porn.”[2] There is a stimulating and addictive component in following a portrayal of a life lived to perfection.
It can be a stumbling block leading to feelings of disappointment, inadequacy and unrealistic expectations. Author and award-winning columnist Anna Quindlen said, “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”[3]
It wasn’t until I was about 35 when I finally felt comfortable with the real me. I remember standing in front of my bathroom mirror and telling my husband that I felt like I had finally accepted who I was and who I was not. This realization didn’t make the stomach-churning anxiety go away when I saw friends on social media being their Pinterest-y selves. What it did do was help me become aware of those feelings. Dr. Brené Brown calls it critical awareness.
“Practicing critical awareness is about reality-checking the messages and expectations that drive the ‘never good enough’ gremlins. From the time we wake up to the time our head hits the pillow at night, we are bombarded with messages and expectations about every aspect of our lives…Trying to avoid media messages is like holding your breath to avoid air pollution – it’s not going to happen.”[4]
While we may not be able to avoid the inundating media messages, we can become empowered by identifying and recognizing those churning “I’m not enough gremlins.”
Dare NOT to Compare
That new-found power can be freeing! True, it is a little scary to put our real self out there for the world to see. But when we stop worrying about how we compare to others a whole new perspective can open up to us. When we understand and embrace who we really are we learn to be authentic and intentional in the way we live our life. It simplifies our decisions and opens new doors for creativity.
Comparison is the thief of joy.” -Theodore Roosevelt
When we spend our time comparing we miss out on the joy of being “me”. And in the end, isn’t life really about learning to find joy? So keep your eyes on your own paper and dare not to compare.
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Dare NOT to Compare
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10 thoughts on “Dare NOT to Compare”
This is such a good piece. I especially love how you differentiated “belonging” and “fitting in”. It is such a crucial distinction to make, so that we are able to find the confidence to be the unique individuals that we are.
The whole “belonging” and “fitting in” came from what I learned from Brene Brown in her book The Gift of Imperfection. She had some great wisdom to share!
Awesome post Lori! YES, there IS a big difference between belonging and fitting in! If only we (especially women) would get this, we’d get so much more out of the life God has given us, and fully walk in our purpose. I totally get your “looking in the mirror and finally accepting who you are” moment! Sometimes I wish it had come sooner than later, but I know it was all in God’s timing. If I hadn’t learned it myself, then I wouldn’t have picked up the skills in order to teach others. Thanks so much for your post Lori and thanks for stopping by! Have a blessed rest of your week!
I appreciate your comments! Glad we were able to connect!
I LOVE your analogy to this. I am so bad at comparing myself to others, but I had never thought about that way before. You’re so right. Who says that others have the “right” answer, and mine is wrong? Maybe it’s an open-ended question will multiple correct answers. I know this won’t change overnight, but it’s definitely given me a different perspective in which to view.
I think you’re right. It isn’t an overnight “fix” but a matter of changing our mindset and the way we perceive things. I like the idea of viewing life with opened multiple correct answers. We are each individually divine – with our own set of strengths to offer the world. My best is not the same as your best, but as long as we are offering our best it is good enough. Glad you enjoyed!
Well said, and so true. Discovering and then being yourself takes a lot of practice in this world.
Thanks Jennifer! Practice is the key! Glad you enjoyed!
Incredibly well thought out and well said, Kathy. Hope many ears will listen, and eyes will see. As a first generation Italian, not speaking English, when I started grade school, I seem to have adopted a different approach to fitting in. Maybe because I didn’t know how to do this, or didn’t have a support system to help me, I had to help myself. The key for me was watching what not to do.
I saw many girls being jealous, and sometimes nasty to others. Those actions repulsed me, because jealously leads to a downward spiral. It also didn’ make sense to the child, that I was, because I realized that there will always be someone who is prettier, smarter, richer, more popular, etc., in the world. (This was the lightbulb moment.) O.K., than be yourself! It’s super easy, and you’ll always be in style.
Over time, people are still copying me, because I seem to know what I’m doing. As an octogenarian now,
the same is still true. I’m very comfortable in my skin, because even if I’m being copied, I’ll always be the original.
Thank you Katherine! It’s a wonderful feeling to be happy in your own skin! Thank you for sharing your story – I love that you learned this from early on. I was just talking with a friend about how our comparing affects the next generation. Wise words!